Dear Mr. Bush

By: Lisa Kadonaga

I know you told us, back in early 2001, that you had given up e-mail (at least from your old g94b@aol.com address) - but I can't help wondering if you still take a glance at the Internet now and then. Because every single person I know who's vowed to "give up the web" has eventually come back to browse. And even a person with a will of steel, such as yourself (you ARE still avoiding sweets like Ari said, right?) would surely be tempted now and then.

The other thing is, there are an incredible number of web pages which are devoted to you - what you say and do, how you spend your summer (and other) vacations, and even what you wear. Admittedly, they don't all have nice things to say... but hey, as you yourself said during the campaign, at least they're all talking about you, and you like that general idea just fine.

But I did want to ask you how you felt about this particular item:

In case your workplace is monitoring which sites you visit, I'll just include a quote from the sales blurb: "A Los Angeles entrepreneur is hoping to raise a political stink with a farting doll modeled on President George W. Bush. Richard Halpern is just finishing the final touches on 'Pull My Finger President', a plush doll that emits noxious gas sounds and sayings whenever its finger is pulled."

Funny thing is... if the doll were of practically anybody else, I can picture you laughing to the point of throwing up. (Sorry - fainting. I forgot that you gave up the hurling when you stopped going on drinking binges.)

But I suppose it was only a matter of time. First there was:

And then your supporters sprang to your defense (sort of) with:

Then someone figured out how to make, not just an action figure, but one that would "talk" using clips from your speeches:

But of course, some people just can't leave well enough alone. Remember that singing fish that was all the rage, a few years back? 'Course you do -- you and Alberta premier Ralph Klein are the only politicians I know of who've admitted to having one. (And Laura made you leave yours in the guest house, on your Crawford estate.)

Anyway, wouldn't you know, some folks figured out how to make the fish do other things. And they posted it on the Internet. They were probably fixing to do something nasty to that talking doll of you, only that guy in California beat them to it.

It's always those ".edu" places that make trouble, did you notice? I bet you have, and that's why you always have this kind of look on your face when they make you go there. Like you're just waiting for one of those geeks to laugh out loud when they're dressing you up in a funny outfit:

Speaking of which... somebody is probably going to try to capitalize on that, too. They will be selling "dress up Dubya" playsets to go with those dolls - a pilot's flightsuit, or a doctoral degree robe - and it'll be like those Barbies where you spend $4.99 for the doll and then you have to mortgage the house to buy all the accessories.

Well, I guess I can't complain about it being entirely wrong, because you DO dress up in all kinds of clothing for jobs that you don't actually do, just like Barbie. And the American people are going to be paying for your presidency, and all its accessories, for an awfully long time.