Fundamentally Insane

By: Rich Procter

Franklin Graham is a Christian Evangelist who has called Islam a "very wicked and evil" religion. About 9/11, he said: "It wasn't Methodists flying into those buildings, and it wasn't Lutherans. It was an attack on this country by people of the Islamic faith." He told a British newspaper: "The true God is the God of the Bible, not the Koran."

With George Bush's blessing (pun intended), this guy is sending a bunch of his believers to convert the Iraqi people to Christianity. Graham puts it this way: "We are there to reach out to love them and save them, and as a Christian I do this in the name of Jesus Christ."

For those of you who just tuned in, this is the same Jesus Christ who is a prophet of the Islamic faith, who preached mercy, compassion, kindness, tolerance, and forgiveness and said: "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God."

Is there some word for what Rev. Franklin is doing? Some word beyond "arrogance"? "Mega-hubris"? "Stupendo-smugness"? "Ego-Mondo-Mania"? He's about to barge into a country we've just bombed, shot up, and wrecked, and he's going to instruct these swarthy little heathens in the one true way to salvation, as practiced by their invaders (Ooops! I mean "liberators"!). Hey, this'll work! Yeah! I mean, what can go wrong? I'm sure Reverend Graham will explain it to them so they can understand it: "You camel-jockeys are just deluded! No problem! You just need to renounce that mumbo-jumbo devil cult you belong to, and join up with the one true way, as practiced by right-thinkers like myself, Jerry bin Falwell, and Pat al-Robertson."

Just to see how truly idiotic this is, let's turn it around. Imagine reading this on the front page of your daily paper:

SHIA IMAM UMAR AL-HAJJ ANNOUNCES PLAN TO CONVERT SOUTHERN BAPTISTS, OTHER INFIDELS TO "TRUE FAITH" OF ISLAM

Shi'ite Muslim Umar al-Hajj, Islamic imam ("leader"), announced that, in his words: "We're coming to America to rescue all those pathetic, deluded, polyester-wearing infidel 'Christians' before they are forced to drink boiling, fetid water in hell for eternity as they wear garments of fire and are required to eat the fruit of the Zaqqum tree, which will simmer in their bellies like dregs of oil."

Imam al-Hajj told this reporter that he is certain he will be welcomed with open arms by the people of Florida, Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi. "They are - what is the saying - brain-dead white trash, yes? Once they hear the true, blessed message of Allah, they'll naturally give up their insane, infidel ways and convert to Islam. If they don't, we'll cut their hands off in the public square. It's not something we like to do, but Allah wills it."

Al-hajj has called Christianity a "very wicked and evil" religion, but he doesn't expect that to anger Christians. "Look, let me make it easy for you. I mean, there is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is His prophet, right? So once they understand their choices - convert to Islam or suffer an eternal 'living death' roasting over an open hellfire spit, who is going to resist? Over a billion people believe as I do. We are right, and holy. The Christians are wrong, wicked, and evil. Simple."

Al-hajj will be traveling with representatives of the al-Muhajabah Construction firm, which specializes in retrofitting Christian churches into mosques, and the Apostles of Allah Travel Agency, which will handle the booking of "hajj" (mandatory pilgrimage to Mecca) for the new converts.

Al-hajj is nothing if not a realist. "I do not expect to convert all Christians to Islam overnight. That will take at least six months. I believe that we can convert virtually every Southern Baptist the first month - they are both fervent and suggestible - and they will then be conscripted into a 'jihad' (holy war) against the Lutherans, the Methodists, and other infidel Protestant Christian sects."

"We are here to reach out to love them and to save them, and as a Muslim I do this in the name of the prophet Muhammad", said the religious leader. "I believe our first convert will be your Attorney General, Mr. Ashcroft. Once he hears that Islam mandates that adulterers and other criminals be stoned to death, we'll believe he'll convert instantly."

Final Note: The scariest part of Mr. Graham's "crusade" (pun intended, again) is that our beloved President is giving it the "Attaboy, go get them pagans, Frankie" thumbs-up.

They're both fundamentally nutty as a couple of Snickers bars.