It's Your Money, and Look Who I'm Givin' It To!

By: Rich Procter

A message from our beloved President, the Honorable (?) George W. Bush:

Hey, y'all! How're ya doin'! (Those of you that still have jobs, that is.) Ya know, when I was runnin' for President - not that I've ever actually STOPPED running, but y'all know what I mean - I had a great hoot n' holler line: "We Republicans never forget it's YOUR MONEY!"

So how am I spendin' YOUR MONEY? You'll be happy to know that I'm gonna carpet-bomb Iraq with it! Man, we're gonna give those freedom-loving dune goons everything but their own luxury-box filled baseball stadium - ya know, like the one the fine folks o' Texas bought for me! Maybe all this charity will get 'em to stop shooting at us! Ya think?

Here's where I'm sending YOUR tax dollars, friends! This is GREAT...

100 MILLION BUCKS to build seven planned communities with 3,258 houses, plus roads, an elementary school, two high schools, a clinic, a place of worship, and a market for each - hey, them ExxonMobil and Halliburton executives gotta have SOMEPLACE to live, doncha know!

900 MILLION BUCKS to IMPORT petroleum products... hmmm, that's gotta be a mistake... no, sez right here. I thought the whole reason we invaded, er, LIBERATED that place was the damn oil. Make note to self - ask Cheney why we're bringing them oil.

400 MILLION BUCKS to build two 4,000 bed prisons at $50,000 a bed! See, I got COMPASSION for them Iraqi prisoners, I want them to suffer in someplace nice.

20 MILLION BUCKS for a four week business course, $10,000 per student, so them ignorant towel-heads can become entrepreneurial free-market capitalist icons, just like me and Rummy and Cheney! Hey, and I know a whole bunch of guys who used to work at Enron who need the work! They'd be the perfect ones to teach this thing!

54 MILLON BUCKS for a study on how to set up an American style postal system, with zip codes and EVERYTHING! We all know how well the U.S. Postal system works - now we can share some of that good ol' American know-how with our new friends - and when it breaks down, the folks who took that business course can run the FedEx franchise!

100 MILLION BUCKS for a Witness Protection Program! Because once them Camel-Jockey scientists finally reveal where the hidey-holes of all them weapons of mass destruction are, we gotta stop them deadly terrorists from doing to them what they're doing to our soldiers every single day, probably because they didn't wake up and smell the camel dung when I put on my flight suit and said this war was OVER, rover!

HERE'S THE BEST PART, friends and neighbors! I'm not just giving YOUR MONEY to any damn body! I'm givin' it to Cheney's buds over at HALLIBURTON, and - you'll love this. One o' my best Republican buds, Joe Allbaugh - he was my Chief of Staff back in Texas, and my campaign manager in 2000, has started his own damn company, called "New Bridge Strategies LLC". I figure if I shovel enough of YOUR MONEY his way, things in Iraq just gotta get better! He's committed to... oh damn, where's that cool brochure... ahhhh, here it is... "expediting the creation of free and fair markets and new economic growth in Iraq, consistent with the policies of the Bush Administration". Yep, JoJo's the man to bring in all that oil and concrete for those wacky Iraqis.

Oh, and who else am I giving YOUR MONEY too? Your U.S. Department of Health and Human Services just gave a $475,280 grant to fund Free Teens USA, an after-school celibacy club in urban New Jersey. And who runs Free Teens USA? Some "former and current high-ranking officials with the Unification Church" - ya know, Reverend Moonie. After all, I mean, c'mon! The Moonster gave my dad a million bucks for his library! And, like me, he believes that "the separation between religion and politics is what Satan likes most". So why shouldn't that he have some of YOUR MONEY?

See? Aren't ya glad the adults are back in charge? At least we Republicans know that every one of them 28 billion dollars we're giving to our campaign contributors to make Iraq the new Free Market Democratic Capitalist Bulwark is YOUR MONEY. Makes ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside, don't it? Sure makes me feel that way...